i quit my job....

yes, you read the title right. i did, i can't keep on killing what little spirit i have left. it's like commiting emotional suicide. i got up and told myself to get myself a better job. i know it's not degrading or it's not embarrassing to do an honest job. i will not condemn the job. i guess i'm not man enough to continue with it. yes i do wish i could go thru with it. but unfortunately i'm not. the kid in me is dying, or to be honest he died a long time ago.

cleaner days are over?

later....

winter is here..

how do you tell when winter has come, well i'll tell you how. see the tree, thats our apple tree in the backyard. one picture was taken when i first arrived here in leeds and the other was taken today.

in september


in november


well soon the tree will be covered with white stuff, we here in the west call it snow...ohhhh. heahahea.

later

batman lives....

my housemates call me batman, cause i'm awake all night and practically never sleep. actually i do sleep in the day, practically the whole day (unless i have classes la). it sucks when you can't sleep, especially if you're me. i guess you know what i'm talking about. sometimes i'm guessing wheni sleep it's the only time i'm not troubled or going crazy with everything. i'm trying not to be the guy who is crying about everything he has lost, and try to be the guy who smiles at what he didn't lose, and what he has gained but it is hard, when you've lost in my very own words "my precious life". sleep if i think helps me forget all this, nope, wrong again. i'm the guy who gets up remembering details of his dreams, remember.

well yesterday i talked to my mom for a long time, she told me about everything that is going with her and the family, her job and all. she also told me my grandmother is kinda ill as well. i pray she's okay. well actually she is old and i pray nothing happens to her till i get back. my mom also told me how my grandmother wants to see my brothers marriage before she 'leaves'. something my brother would go bezerk if he heard it. well my mom wanted me to talk to my brother, honestly my bro is only 26 turning 27 next april. i don't see the rush in getting married. there is far too much to life than just marriage, it is undoubtly something sacred, in my view la. for others it just could be nothing at all. but how do i convince my brother to get married before my grams kicks it (that didn't sound nice). sigh....

'death is an illusion'

earlier i was trying to get our deepavali recordings out of the camera and into my pc, seems like there is more to it than i know. the things saba gave us isn't gonna cut it. according to my 'guru' wai keong. honestly everything he said sounded french to me. i have no idea now on what to do or how? actually i have one idea la, record the damn thing in vcr cassettes. but those don't last long. aiyo aiyo....

i've always been one for technology, back home everytime something goes wrong they'd ask me to take a look at it. but when i was a kid if something went wrong with anything, automatically everybody would look at me. well honestly when i was a kid i did spoil and break and destroy a lot of stuff, toys would burn, i've opened a tv up into pieces, made my won firecracker. heahaehea...i was lego child growing up. i still have them, two huge tupperwares stored up in my closet. and i'll let you in a little secret, i do still try and play with them. i was always good with my hands even with art work, my mom sent me to art class when i was a kid. i'm good with crafts, i try to atleast. (sigh.....memories burning holes thru me)

anyways i was thinking i'd go to a temple today....

i do have to go to the bank today and then do a little grocery shopping too, i'm all out of cookies and chocolates. oh yeah and tomorrow is monday, my turn to cook, but as usual dunno what to cook, aiyo...i wish i had a mchine to copy knowledge and store it into my brains. heaheahea (my moms cooking skills!!!!), damn i miss my mom. i love talking to her these days. but ofcourse everytime we do talk she has to go or do something else. my next door baby keeps my mom busy during the weekends when she's not working, she told me that sometimes she calls her rajes. awwww....i love you too mom.

well after cooking i have to go to work. oh yes...work, my favorate place in the whole wide world. a place that makes me kiss the real world up front, bad breath and all. navein said imagine if you were in malaysia, would you even consider doing a job like this. like duh....oh yeah speaking of which i have to call a job agency today, kamal has recommended me to his job agency. see if i can get another job, one which i get paid more, and less killing of what little spirit i have left.

did i mention that i was an assistant healthclub manager when i was 17, yes just 17 and i had made it all the way to the top, i was working in ritz-carlton hotel. being paid rm1800 at the age of 17 can be damaging to your liver. heahaehae. oh the night at 'heavens' with ric and anthony. my causin balan was king when i cashed in my pay cheques...oh man we used to have so much fun. i wish i could have stayed 17...forever. no worries, no cares...but like wai keong told me..."even that too, my old friend, will eventually get boring". what didn't eventually get boring. life itself took a toll on us, didn't it dude...

well anyways i think if i go on, i'll write an entire book today, better safe some for later. bet you there is something to bitch about later. heahaehea...

later...

happy birthday shenn

hey i didn't know it was your birthday, until i read ric's blog.

well anyways, have a great birthday, have fun and all smiles...and forever young, ya...

just got up...

well my day is just about to start, i just got up. i was talking to my mom last night till about 9am in the morning then went to bed. wow, almost 12hours in bed. no suprise, i've done longer records. heahaehae.

now i don't know what to do, british tv sucks, and i've got not much work to do. tomorrow i have to go to work but that only at 7pm. maybe in the morning i'll go grocery shopping and also need to go to the bank tomorrow.

well tomorrow is the first day of exams for my princess. it's her finals. i pray she'll do well. i've always prayed for her to do well. but i know she'll do well too, she's a smart and capable woman. i know she hates me and she's got someone new in her life, but she'll always have a special place in my heart....love doesn't conquer all. i wish her all the best for tomorrow.

later....

can't sleep...

i hate it when i've got nothing to do and i can't sleep either...feels like an entire life time is just passing me by, while i do nothing. well i know i could be doing my assignments...wait i've finished my assignments...heahahea.

today there was a feast at my place man, basil made mutton briyani, and honey fried chicken, awesome. basil can really cook man. hats off to that dude. well i think of my entire 3 months being here, today is the first day i really enjoyed eating. though at the back of my head, i still miss being fed by my mom. miss her so damn much....

later....

heaven only knows

heaven only knows - richard marx

I watch the world go round and round
And my life goes by at the speed of sound
I walk the night
And I wonder just where I belong, oh

My heart is young, but my soul is old
I've never been one to do what I was told
My back to the wall
Is the only place I can feel strong, oh

Heaven only knows what lies before me
Heaven only knows what all my searching is for
All my life I've waited for a miracle
But I can't ask for anything more

I like to think I'm a faithful man
To resist desire, I do all I can
I hope to die in the arms of the woman I love, oh

Heaven only knows what lies before me
Heaven only knows what all my searching is for
All my life I've waited for a miracle
But I can't ask for anything more

I've always wondered how to know right from wrong
Looking for a reason to replace what is gone
But somehow the road just seems to lead right back to me

Heaven only knows what lies before me
Heaven only knows what all my searching is for
All my life I've waited for a miracle
But I can't ask for anything more

i am trying to download this song and still can't seem to find it. anyone out there has any ideas where might i find this song. it has such a beautiful line in it, which in my mind is ideal for my death wish.

"I hope to die in the arms of the woman I love"

later...

-crimson tears-

splitting headache....

imagine and earthquake, and an avalanche, and a typhoon all hitting one place at one time.....thats how my head feels. dunno why, damn! well other thatn that my day went well, didn't go to work though (it's not like i'm the govenor of leeds) well if they fire me, i don't care either.

my 3d modelling showing went well, the lecturer wants me to use pro-e for further simulation, we'll see, i'm thinking of using 3d max. well who cares, if all things go well, thats good enough for me.

today my classmate spilled hot chocolate on me, auch...missed my balls, but my ass got burnt. fuck it hurts. but not so bad la...so forgiven, she was like 'errrrrr....'. i guess it happens to everyone.

oh yeah and subha got her chocolates, i wonder why she got them so late. well anyways, subha don't have to thank me just enjoy them...

me better take my burnt ass to bed and get some hut eye. oh yeah maybe later i'll post up another song i found, richard marx - 'heaven only knows', it's my death wish song man!

later...

3D modelling...

i kinda think i've completed my 3d modelling, to be honest i wanted to use one of my own designs but decided to get some other ideas off the internet (keep it between you and me). well i used my design of a celling fan, the ones with lights on it. looks kinda cool. well tomorrow i have to present it to infamous kai cheng, he's a cool chap, no complains but he hasn't thought us a single thing. and that kinda sucks considering i paid 8,000 pounds to come here and study nothing.

well today i didn't go for class, project management. i got up around 5am and couldn't go back to sleep so i decided to watch a movie, c.g. had downloaded a tamil movie. and was watching that till around 7plus, then fell asleep and got up late for class. damn...lucky i don't have work today also. so i was all the while on my pc trying to do up my 3d modelling. c.g. told me today that our presentation has been postponed as well. cool. now all i have to pay full attention on planning support system, somehow that subject will bring out some challenges. well tomorrow i think i have that interview i was talking about, see how that goes.

well till tomorrow then, oh yeah kumar wants to go clubbing again (i dunno if i wanna go)...

later....

ghostbusters...

something stange on your stairs...who you gonna call, dustbusters!!!
something weird on carpet floor...who you gonna call, dustbuster!!!

you know the Hoover1500 is the backpack kinda of vacuum cleaner, so i'd have it on my back, with the hose sticking at the top....buzzing fueming around the office floors, today this drop dead gorgeous british indian walks up to me and says "hey, the ghostbusters!!!".... (AUCH...!!!)

imagine how all those banglas and indons feel back in malaysia when we made fun of them, especially all those who are doing it cause they have no choice. some banglas in malaysia are educated fellows, doing odd jobs like this cause they can't get a job in their country. and imagine them, degree holders working i an office, instead of behind the desk, their doing chores under it, emptying bins, vacuuming, doing the windows and toilets...oh man. i know exactly how they feel man. and i feel horrible. sometimes it's embarassing when i'm vacuuming and those office people walk by, sometimes i'm like, hey, it's job and i'm getting an honest pay, here...but still it's hard to swallow my pride. it's feels like the wolf who swallowed boulders (my dad use to tell me this bedtime story, when i way little...)

karen said, my writtings in my blog is funny. honestly if you only knew how i feel everytime i'm writting it. hey atleast someone is getting a good laugh out of this. don't worry karen, sometimes it is funny, yesterday when i was talking to navein even i was laughing so badly thinking about how my life has changed, so drastically. but i'm not all complains, i mean hey, not everybody gets a chance to go abroad and study and i'm thankful for it, especially to my parents. to experience the british culture, kinda cool....

on another note, i finally got my AutoCAD software, so i can start on my 3D modelling project. oh yeah and i've printed out my project management assignment, and the group project i'll be the presenter so, i'm not gonna do any other work, beside c.g. and me have done quite a lot. and today c.g. tell me this pakisthan dude is in our group. what the fuck!!!? i didn't pay 8k pounds to come here, and clean toilets for living and do someone elses work! tomorrow if i see that dude i'm gonna give him a piece of my mind, there is no way he is gonna take credit for work he didn't contribute in. NO FUCKING WAY! i guess being a bangla made realize you shouldn't take anything for granted, not even the last penny and other people's work.

but in all honesty i don't think i've changed that much, i'm the not 'kanjus' kedekut kinda of fella now la, but i'm more cencern where and how my money goes, i take responsibility for what i spend. i think i've grown a little. it's nice to know that...it truly is.

p.s. anyone who reads my blog and knows my mother, PLEASE don't mention a word to her that i'm doing this kinda work, it'll break her heart...let me do all the crying. she doesn't have to.

later....

to clean or not to clean...

life as a cleaner....

in my entire life never would have i imagined i would be doing jobs like this, just goes to show, you never can tell where you'll end up someday. being a spoiled brat all my life, kinda makes this even harder to swallow but...as all things that don't kill me, only makes me stronger, not today but one day...i guess.

remember yesterday when i was saying this isn't rock bottom yet, today i hit something alright, dunno if it was rock bottom but it was kinda hard, solid hard. today i had to scrub toilets. imagine all the time my mom or my brother or someone else scrubing my toilet at home, cause i've never done it. and today i had to scrub all the toilets there. remember the phrase 'pay it forward'....i guess this is it, isn't it? then i had to empty the waste bins again. i tell you british people love their coffee. every bin has atleast a minimum of 4cups of coffee and thats just minimum. the other day i read that america and britain produce the most amount of waste in a day, i'm seeing it first hand. my other job today was not so bad, i had to wipe desks. so all in all, another hard days work....

who am i kidding, everybody out there knows i'm crying here..."why god, why? what have i done so bad to wrong you? why am i on decending from your good graces?" then again, we can't blame everything on Him, can we? i guess i doing this kinda woke me up, from a sleep that lasted 24years. everybody has their ups and downs...i enjoyed my childhood, my school life was the utmost excellent time ever, my 20's, well it's only been 4 years, and i'm thanking god, i haven't died, killed myself, plunged from sanity and the list goes on. you know it all started on my birthday 4years ago, i turned 20, and got robbed on my birthday, was stripped naked behind menara maybank (puduraya), lost everything i had (including myself). and that folks is where it all began, the downhill slide to hell.

faith of the heart is one thing, my mother has instilled in me. she always said, everything will come together, one day. and that one day will come...till then, i know i'm tempting god when i say this but....bring it on!!!

later...

just another manic monday....

last night...(you know when i start like this, it's usually not good!) like in the horror movies, the wind was going whoosh here and whoosh there. the whole bloody night. imagine my windows were vibrating from the wind. the thing is we have a gas heater in the hall, so there is the vent above it, and you can imagine the sound that hollow tunnel makes when hard wind blows on top of it...well as usual i was twisting, tosing and turning on my trusty sofa. tried to sleep but couldn't. i was just there until 7.55am, then decided to just get up and watch tv. finally they play good programs, early in the morning, 'everybody loves raymond' and 'the king of queens'... well then after that there was 'friends' and then i finally fell asleep, at 9am...guess what? i had to get up to go to uni, for group discussion about project management. sigh....

at least the discussion went very good, we kinda got 95% done, now we only got to chip off the edges and our project is actually done. we have to actually do WBS...(thats work breakdown structure, for those of you who didn't know) for managing an oil-rig from scratch to run time, in the indian ocean. never have i even imagine about such a huge project. but it was okay, god bless the internet. imagine the project cost 4billion pounds. phewww.....

then came home, stopped by at medina and bought chicken (it's my turn to cook) and came home, cut up all the thing i needed. then started cooking, i was making ginger chicken btw, a recipy both my mom and navein have apparently mastered. well it came out alright, i mean i tasted it, it was wonderful. once again i've managed to impress myself. you know you give an indian a compliment, he'd think he was gandhi. but i'm serious this time it was good, even the smell made me feel like mickey in those 60's mickey mouse cartoons, where the smell of something delicious would drag you to it. then cooking was done. and i sat down for awhile thinking how come c.g.'s friend didn't call me about the job...bang, he calls..

now the time is 6.30pm, and he tells me come now, there is work. me not slept, tired, just cooked, had to get dressed and rush to the city and finally found the place and well....here goes, it's an office job alright (yeah, right!)...i clean offices. i was a pampered child, grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, never had to lift a finger to do anything and now i'm a bangla here. i had to empty waste bins, then vacuum the stairs (5 fucking floors btw) then i have to clean up the inside of the elavators. as i was walking back to the store room to put back the vacuum cleaner. my eyes started to tear....back home i was a specialist at handling a CMM machine, worth half a million dollars, CNC/CAM machines worth a quarter million dollars. i was a CAM programming expert, known almost as a design and manufacturing engineer. and here all i'm incharge of is a Hoover1500 (yeah you guessed it right, the vacuum cleaner)....

i wiped my tears and told myself, "hey if you thought this is hitting rock bottom, you haven't seen anything yet!" and i had to suck it up and walk home proud, an honest day's pay....you know, two weeks ago someone told me i was a loser (i'm guessing you guys out there know, who i'm talking about) and i guess she was right. the curb balls keep coming, and i'm wiping my ass off trying to dodge them, but it always has a way of ending up in my face, dead center. 'life throws you lemons, make lemonade's'..... (easy for that mother fucker who invented that saying to say that!)

well tomorrow i have to go to the uni to see my lecturer and then i think the group wants to have one final discussion, then it's back to Hoover1500...

you know my friend navein always says this to me "when you're up, there is no place else to go but down, and when you're down....up is the only direction left" lately we've come up with another one....the 'where, how what, which, who, why...He knows, and He gives and He takes...He knows best"....all i have to say to Him is, 'hey man, take it easy on me man, i think i'm reaching the brink of my insanity, please....wink wink'...

later, bangla need to go eat and sleep...oh yeah and drop a few crimson tears...

...too much pain...

god's creation....

i don't know if i had a good time there or just had live entertainment. well we left home around 10.30pm, then we got free entrance at the club too, curtosy of kumar. the club has got 3 floors, the first floor the play all those sing along songs, you know the retro's, 80's. then 2nd floor is the hip hop floor, this floor is filled with all the black dudes and all the fine hoochy mamas. then 3rd floor is the house dance music, this floor is the one filled with extacy.

let me tell you what happened to me...we went first to the dance music floor, then worked our way down to the hip hop floor. then back up to the 3rd floor, well i went to the toilet that time and after taking a leak, i was making my way out of the toilet, a GUY came on to me, aiyo....then after that i was sitting at the lounge, and reading my sms, and another guy comes up to me and asks me if i still have anymore pills to sell him???!!! what the fuck, do i look like a dealer? oh well the worst is yet to come. then we went dancing again, and some chick who was dancing next to me, started dancing with me, yeah cool, but then this high on extacy chick pinched my groin! auch and what fuck again!!!! honestly the only thing i didn't see happening there is sexual intercourse, because the rest, and i mean everything else happened. pills are everything in a club like that, oh yeah not to mention weed and alcohol, which also flies high.











i don't know if i enjoyed myself or just had one really bad british movie...the guys plan to go again next week friday, i think i'll pass. although the music is good (and farking loud) i don't think it's my kinda scene. the last time i went clubbing was with my princess, sigh..........

later......

(p.s. i used my phonecamera to take those pics, thats why it's not so clear)

creation...

okay where did i leave off, okay friday was a day of dreams. i mean in the morning when i got up i had a dream about my parents having a third child, yes at this age. everybody i practically know is there. my mom has given birth to a healthy young baby boy. i'm suggesting names for him. my brother is pissed that the room is so crowded, my dad looks as though he has the thought "oh no, not another one of this!"...my mom as usual motherhood glowing in her face. weird dream, i know, it's really weird. but the thing is, it felt real...

then at night i had a dream about you know who, it was a scary dream...and i'd rather not talk about it.

today i was sleeping the whole day, i was talking to my mom from 2.30am till some 6am, was cool. was talking to my dad as well. my brother threw a party at home for his friends. after that i really couldn't sleep, was tossing and turning around for hours....

well now we're gonna go out, all of us. it's not so cold outside now. it's -1 C, i think we're going clubbing, the club is called creation. lets see how tonight goes. basil work mates are coming too.

later....

white rain...

well...remember i was saying it was wet and cold earlier. i guess god over heard me, and decided to show me what wet and cold is really all about. it's snowing outside!!! as good as it gets...yes sirybob, doesn't get any better than this.









now it's wet, cold and flaky, later....

cold, wet...and cold and wet and errr....cold

rain rain go away, little rajes want some sunshine...it is really getting cold here and the thing really sucks is that it rains also. it's a really shity weather. i know i know, typical british weather. honestly it's starting to take a toll on me. these days i don't sleep well either, and not to mention what actually runs thru my mind...(sigh) and then get up and go out in this bloody cold weather. today i bought some nice thermal gloves. well they're not actually thermal active kind la, it's the insulated type. i had gloves that my dad gave me. problem is those gloves are leather, and when it gets wet it will smell and time to come, it'll be a rag.

i wonder hows the weather back home, damn i use to complain how bad the weather is back then...i use to sweat like a dog back home. here i'm freezing like a snow pup...you could call me a sweating popsicle now. heahahea.

anyways, time to freez again. later...

vios for me...void for others

if i thought my parents selling off my car and getting me a smaller, less powerful car was a bitch. it really nothing compared to what one of my friends is going thru.

dear friend,

i know there is nothing i can say to make things better even worst there is nothing i can do either. i know you think you're losing all faith in everything you believe in, i know you're trying to find strength not only for you to stand but to stand for you family as well, look no further. this is something you told me. the greatest strength often lies within you, always. it'll all be fine, in time, all in time. faith of the heart...

well i manage to get myself a job, well actually c.g. has talked to his friend to get me a job, and walla...i start on monday. cool huh..and then if the call center thing works out for me during the weekends then that'll be cool too. so now i dunno if i'm happy or sad...

Leeds city

ricardo was asking me to post up more pictures, so was my brother. well guys this is leeds city, i've only posted up 3 pictures. there is a lot more to it. maybe some other time i'll post up all the pictures.









well, i have to say, nothing beats good old Kuala Lumpur, my city...

project, project, project...

finishing a project does give you a sense of liberation, makes you feel that one hurdle is over. well although the due date for this project is dec 2nd, i kinda finished already. cool. now i just have two more assignments, one due 2nd dec, which is a group thingy and another on jan 14th. so i guess i have more time to finish these assignments.

later....

spy ware problems...

hey wai keong thanks for the spy sweeper tip. anyway i could get hold of this thingy without paying 29bucks for it? i mean if there is no other way then i don't mind, cause i'm desperate. this spy ware thingy is driving me up the wall. everytime i clean it and restore my home page to google, boom, it strikes again and changes it to some search website thingy. annoying i tell you, i can't even check my yahoo mail.

but thanks anyway dude...it was nice talking to you and manesh the other day.

cheers...

Whisky Lullaby...

by Brad Paisley featuring Allison Krauss

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby...

well i'm not such big fan of the country music, but i do listen in from time to time, a little toby keith, mcgraw. brooks and dunns and of course the great garth brookes. but i have to say last night when i listened to this number, it struck a cord in me. brought tears to my eyes, thinking this is how i could have ended up.

crimson heart alcoholic...

Diwali fireworks at the Chapel Allerton Sikh Temple...

thats saba, walking home after the fireworks...i love the shot, the sri lankan james dean.

whew...real cool being there, actually cold. yesterday night it was 3 degrees out there and there was a huge crowd that turned up the fireworks. they were chanting before it but in punjabi, so we couldn't understand. but i know it was definetely some good wishes and blessings...well diwali/deepavali is finally over, next is christmas.

later...

deepavali...a Snoop Dogg Production

this was my first deepavali away from home, despite all my sorrows and all that i've gone thru in these past couple of months, i think saba really out did himself with his deepavali party. it was fun and it can past for an eminem rap concert. the booz and the weed was flying high. i know i have quit drinking and it is hard for me to resist a good drink with some good people..but i did. and that was, i don't know how to explain it...i wish i was back home, under the arms of my mother. so i can tell her how much i love her and miss her...anyways, happy deepavali to all my blog readers and those out there who is celebrating it. may all you darkness be vanquished by lord krishna as well...

















there was some fire works here at the sikh temple earlier so tomorro i'll paste up those pictures. cheers.

later...

the light of joy....

well today is deepavali back home in malaysia, wish all my friends, family and all hindus a very happy deepavali. for us in the uk, it's on friday, tomorrow. well tonight saba is throwing a party at his house and then tomorrow there is gonna be one in our house. this is my first deepavali away from family, usually it'll be in penang. morning prayers, everybody blessed by my grandmother, then the family breakfast, then all of us sit around the hall and kinda talk. it's always the best thing to have family around. the crowd usually turn up around 3 and then it goes on till midnight. i usually throw a party back home at my house a week later, all my friends will show up, turn my house into a disco curry house. it's all fun. well here it's not so bad. i mean i've got friends. the guys here are doing everything possible to make everything as homely as possible.

i wonder how the kensett gathering at home went?

later....

I dare you to move

a couple of days ago, yuets told me to download this song, well at first i never really got around to understand the song but lately i've been listening to it quite a lot. nice....

"I Dare You To Move"

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

thanks yuets...hey got anymore good songs for me? i know you love greenday, heard their new release, whats it called again. sounds kinda wicked, the typical greenday sound.

later....

For giving me the best days of my life

what is it about homosexuality thats scares us, the straight people? is it that it's not normal, or is it that their more blissful than we are? are afraid or angry? angry that how something so wrong (in our beliefs) can be so beautiful? to be entirely honest i don't know. i am one of those straight men who is you average stereo type homophobic dude. up till a couple of years ago, giving my friends a hug would make me uncomfortable. i hated the sight of gay men. i used to say line them all up, give me a badge and a gun...

last night i watched a sharon stone, ellen degeneres movie. about gay women. and the way they shared their love for each other, made me think how much everybody out there is just looking for it sometimes, and they'll take it in any form they get it. i mean as abnormal as it is to see two women together, last night watching it, it felt so right, it felt so blissful and perfect. it felt as though thats how it's suppose to be. for the first time i was jealous of a gay couple. i mean who gives a rats ass where you find love, but if you're gonna find something special like that, do anything, resist everything to hold on to it. thats what that movie thought me. so what if it's two women, least their happy with each other, and they both just wanna love each other, and completely give in to each other, unconditional love...something so powerful that it can destroy you or give birth to you.

i loved their love making scene, not because it fulfills every mans fantasy to watch two women together, cause it was so passionate, and it felt real, it felt like you want that. not for sexual reasons, but more emotional...

watch the movie, "if these walls could talk"

My tea's gone cold,
I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad
It's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
That I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad
It's not so bad

And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is like having the best day of my life

Push the door,I'm home at last
And I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
And all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me

And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is like having the best day of my life

dido - "thank you"...this was the soundtrack to the movie.

later...

I HATE SPYWARE!!!!

you know this spyware thing is really pissing me off. i run a scan practically everyday and everyday there is about 20 to 40 critical items found in system. and today my system been effected by it and i can't seem to remove it, i've used every means possible and still when i open my internet explorer, i get some search website as my home page. even after changing my default website at the internet options. this sucks....any idea what else to do?? i'm up for any suggestions, including blowing my brains out!!!

good ol' days...

i was talking to manesh and adrian over msn today, wish someone else was there, but...felt like the old day. "hey pass me the beers", heahaeha...well jaya is an idiot, passed around rumours, no my friend didn't get married. adrian and i was talking about what to do during the christmas holidays, i wanna go up to scotland. he is trying save up to come over to england, heahehae. make a trip to deutschland, cruise the autobahn and get our brains splattered all over a BMW. then travel around as ghosts...heahaeahea.

well today me and c.g. finally got down to doing our project management assignment. we need to run our own offshore oil rig, from scratch. oh man. well we finally got down to business, this weekend we'll have to get a move on, cause our presentation is on the 2nd december. i hope i can finish my other assignments also. hey, things are getting busy here. at least it'll make me not think of other things.

later....

the chefs in the house...

i'm impressed with myself, to be entirely honest i am damn impressed with myself. a few months ago i was a lost dog in the kitchen, today i'm like tom cruise in cocktail, flipping pans and laddles. i made fish sambal today. walked to summerfeild (loved the walk, anyways) and bought the fish. the dish came out okay, and everyone has begun to say that i can cook better than them. it does make you feel nice when you hear things like this.

well today i went to the bank and the post office. one of my bank drafts was rejected by my bank. now i have to send back my draft to my parents, and get them to deposit the money into my account and then i'll have to go withdraw it here from an atm. damn so much of work. i hate this kinda of double work. why does malaysian currency create so much problems here. well tomorrow i have to go to the post office again.

these days i talk a lot with navein over skype, he keeps me company thru the nights sometimes. i miss how me and him had so much fun back in malaysia. all the odd hours we'd be out at a mamak store of watching a late movie. wish everything wont change once we come back. well the kensettians are having a gathering back home at siva's place for deepavali. it used to be my house after his, sigh. the things i have to miss out on (there are more hurtful things i'm missing out on) anyways, have fun there guys, just don't burn down kl, leave some for me when i come back.

later...

Dearest Princess,

today you turn 24. i wish i was there to shower you with birthday wishes and make you feel this was the best day ever. but unfortunately i can't and you wouldn't want me to.

well anyways i want to wish you a very happy birthday, wish you all the best, may you be blessed with all god's grace. and forever enhanced with your enchanting smile...

always miss you and forever love you.

yours eternally,
Raj

smoke weed everyday...

last friday, at my uni main entrance i saw this girl, sitting down, with a bag of weed by her side, rolling up a joint. broad daylight, main entrance...unbelievable. well today i witnessed saba roll up a joint, but he does it with tobacco...but looks cool, they way they do it. just like in the movies. but the person who in my opinion who is an expert at rolling up a joint, desmond. pot head. haven't seen him in a long time. the last i saw him was the night my crash. which was the last time i drove my baby also.

aiyo...smoke weed man.

later.....

i flew without wings

17inch polished momo rims, 17/215/45series falken azenis boots, smoke silver, perdana v6 sedan, all tinted..with a sticker behind saying "sex instructor, first lesson free", crusing down the highway. speeding thru like demon. sending chills down the spines of kancils and the highway crawlers...the silver arrow, the legend.

when i was in college, in my first year. i had a conversation with my friend gopi, and we use to talk about how we'd wanna have a car, and when you drive by people would wanna look at it. you know people will be talking about those rims, and the paint work. and that dream did come true, for me. i didn't have a porsche or a ferrari, neither did i have an RX7 or 300zx. i didn't even have myself a sporting gti. i had myself a family car, a perdana v6. and it was the legend. it made people's heads turn. it rode with the lightning. roared with the thunder. and now it shall forever be a legend....

my parents sold off my baby, and got me a toyota vios, sigh.....

sleepy saturday....

i got up only at 3 or 4 in the afternoon....and guess what, it was already dark. damn, i slept when there was no sun and got up when there is no sun. i hate this short day thingy. did i mention that they have set the time back by an hour. so now it's 8hours difference between here and home, it used to be 7. well it'll only change back in march...sigh.

well i made tuna yesterday, now i have something for breakfast. it came out pretty okay. taste nice, but ofcourse not as good as my moms. well i guess nothing can taste as good as my moms. miss her so much these days. i tell myself these days, she's all i got and it keeps me going...can't explain it but thats how it is.

i feel like i'm alone, all alone...but sometimes we fail to realize we all are.

later.

Love, Marriage and S.ex

i love the article shenn posted on her blog...so i decided to copy and paste it on mine, so i can read it again...and again...but i have one question though, if it doesn't really go in that particular order, does that create a glitch in the matrix. but then again, glitches are what life is all made up of...we just like to look at them as perfection, huh...?

Love, Marriage and S.ex
by Michael Webb

If you want to have a blissful relationship, don't ruin the chances by introducing things into your relationship until you are ready for it.

I'm constantly bewildered when people can't figure out why they keep having failed relationships when they always muddle them with physical intimacy. It's fairly common for couples to kiss on their first date, begin caressing soon afterwards and start a s.exual relationship within a few weeks or months of knowing each other.

While I'm not going to tell you how long you should wait to begin kissing, hugging and making non-s.exual contact, I'm going to boldly state that our bodies and minds are not designed for s.exual relationships until marriage. The two go hand and hand and to try to separate them causes a lot of emotional turmoil in our relationships.

The average American has ten s.exual partners before they are married. They either think each partner is "the one" or they think s.ex is so wonderful they don't want to miss out on the opportunity. S.ex is indeed wonderful and very special and saving it for the wedding night
is treating it as something special. Sharing it with practically everyone you date makes it rather ordinary.

Here are just a few of the emotional problems pre-marital s.ex can cause:

When you sleep with someone you aren't married to, they begin to get concerned with how many other people you have slept with.

If you are willing to have s.ex with someone you aren't married to, will you feel the same after you are married? How about your spouse?

One has a tendency to compare their partner with their previous ones. Regret, jealousy, guilt, remorse and angst are just a few of the emotions that s.ex before marriage will bring.

* Since s.exual relationships were designed for married couples, your mind naturally begins pushing the relationship further along than where you might be.

You might not even know the person you are sleeping with but the s.exual act will naturally make you form an emotional attachment to them. Many couples who really shouldn't be together are married because a pre-marital s.exual relationship "bonded" them together when
they wouldn't have bonded without being physically intimate.

I've talked with quite a few people who waited to begin a s.exual relationship until they were married and *none* of them have regretted it. I've chatted with numerous people who began a s.exual relationship before the wedding and practically all of them had regrets.

While waiting to have s.ex until you are married won't guarantee a blissful relationship, it will certainly cause your mate to honor and respect you much more than if you didn't.

Love, marriage and s.ex -- let's keep them in that order.

Something to think about..

bonfire night..

tonight is bonfire night and since 4.30pm, fire crackers have been going on, like loose cannons. all night long apparently, this is gonna last....

well yesterday i was sick, not feeling well. had myself a fever. damn it is really getting cold here. wish it's nice like back home. heahahea....

btw, i heard that one of my friends got MARRIED! well i dunno if it is true but if it is, it's not a bad thing, i mean, hey...it's never a bad thing, to get married. maybe we're affraid of it but it's okay. so if it is true...happy for you man, congratulations. there is a saying we indians use, that marriages are arranged in heaven...so all marriages are arranged marriage. heahehahe...

(imagine myself saying that)

till death do us part.....

subdued day...

well nothing much to say about today, like any other slow day i have these days, packed with emotions and sleepless nights. i kinda have lost my thing...mojjo to be writing in my blog these days. i mean yesterday i made one hell of an ikan bilis sambal, cooking has come to me like fish to water. and i was in a way proud of it but it never really hit me. i mean i've started working on my assignments also, thinking that it'll get my mind off things but thats always never possible, not by a long a shot. so i guess i still have to try and try and try and try...till my end comes knocking on my doors, the one certainty i'm looking forward to. but till that day come, faith of the heart...

my prayers, my heart....

ricardo..

happy birthday my friend....

may you have all the smiles, the glee of the heart, and the success deserved by your passion. happy 24 man

yours truly,
best friend

rollercoaster...

feel like i'm in a rollercoaster..but i have to focus my attention at one single point dead ahead, despite being thrown around like hell...

i can't say much about my emotions right now, it's like a tumbleweed rolling from blood cell to blood cell. but my mind knows one thing right now. i know why i am here and i know i'll finish my business here the best i can....the best i should.

miss you mom, love you lots...and ricardo thanks for being there today dude.