The War of The Worlds

okay, after soooooo much hype from the trailers, and the review after review after review, the continious playing of 'the making' on tv, then the re-runs of the 50s' version on tv, the huge premier in London with Tom Cruise flatering the red carpet, i finally watched the movie.

the entire movie is just buildings falling over each other and people getting scorched and becoming dust. you know i'm old fashion when it comes to movies, i like to watch a movie where people converse, i wanna see one person express himself with words and facial gestures to another person, i wanna feel his emotions thru his words, so after watching a movie where the first half of the movie the only dialoge goes, 'Robbiieeee.......!!!!' and the second half of the movie the only dialoge goes 'Raccccccchellll....!!!!'

but the one thing that hit me at the end of the movie (no actually at the beginning of the movie) is that we're made for all this shit, built for the kill. god made us like the perfect weapons and he armed us with the most dangerous of substances, all around us at our disposals. then the entire movie (maybe because the past few weeks my mins has been surrounded by death and horror epics of peoples lifes), i started to wonder about the fixations we have on our fears, mainly with death. now we have a fixation, or a mind set that we will die one day, right, yet we have a fiction beyond imagination that even after death we still exist, dead being completely wiped out of exitence and the believe we have a soul and the acknowledgement of the spritual world. how does the two mix? does it even exist? even if it does exist how did we come about to discovering it?

i took an example, the fixation upon beauty in this world. this is what makes us shallow and judgemental but the fiction in us is what gives us a wide range perspective to what circums to everything that we presume or relate to as beauty. we tend to forget what we think or how we think, but sometimes something just overwhelms us and makes us appreciate what we feel or percieve with our emotions, or even what we sometimes see with the naked eye. how do we expain this phenomenon? i call it the 'fiction theory'. we've seen to many colors, too many cartoons, too many prince charmings, too many bibles and scriptors, it all gives us ideas and fantasies. then the reality of what we see or focus with our retinal vision makes us fight these images or ideas with the fixations of what the eye likes and the stream feeding these images to the brain, that is actually secretly telling our feelings 'to shut the fuck up, listen to your eyes'. which is why we tend to like the things we see we tend to crave to materials we come by in the daily world and we all like to think that this is what is beautiful and important. but is it? even if it is, why? and why not? who is to say its right or wrong? who makes the final call?

when a ball spins and comes to a halt position, we claim the energy that spun it, didn't end but merely dispursed into another form of energy particals and is still in existense, if we can except this, why can't some of us except life after death. for after all we humans are just a huge pile of an energy force, aren't we? i think we are, cause we don't run on baterries nor do we have to stick a petrol pump up our asses. so what keeps us running, whats the fuel we use, food is just like our timing belt and water is still like water. i know it all sounds easy but it becomes compliccated when we can't see it or the fact that involves emotions and thoughts and unforseen behaviour, also not to forget, we are at the end humans, something sacred He created, so we are beyond mere understandings or our comprehension, gee whiz eh?

we fight everyday to survive, when we fail to realize that we fight everyday to kill, we're not on the giving end but recieving. the world is actually out to kill us, we're fighting it everyday. we've come to capture it, we've come to conquer it and make it our slaves, but somehow, the world retaliating against us, behind our backs, we just don't really give a shit or completely oblivion to it. once again, is it? even if it is, why? and why not? ever thought about it this way, maybe we're the aliens, we've been here far too long to remember where we came from or why we came in the first place, and the ants ever since have gone into hidding, they've learnt to escape our punishment between the scales of our shoe souls, occasionally the get one of us, then its a TGIF down there.

i'm not making sense even to myself...

see if we were not suppse to be here in the first place, why is it our addaptation is so perfect to this 3rd world from the sun, why is the these resources we dry up are the key to our very existence. was there like a blue planet? we kinda liked the grass on the other side of the bridge? i have to say, i like the idea, we fought to stay here and we're still fighting, everyday and every hour of our lives. i wish i was somehow right, or i had a way of proving this. but i extremely concoure with the idea. i mean, you know if you thought there was some force out there that created us and He somehow controls us, every step of the way, he is doing a pretty fucked up job. i'd like to make a complain with union, we need a new foreman.

you'd think i'd mean all this shit, oh ho ho, ther is where this brain of mine get so fucking twisted and fickle, cause then there is this rage of battles that goes on from the back of my head to the left side of my lung;

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO........!!!!!!!!!!!

i will not say He does not exist, i believe in Him and i know He is fucking doing the best he can, if you can do better, i suggest you just take charge of your life, and stop fucking complaining.

i wish, i wish, i wish sooo badly it stopped there, cause God fuck me trice, it doesn't;

if i don't complain, how does he know i exist, if i keep on praising him, i'm just a statistic to him, he needs, no i want him to know i am down here, for fuck sakes look at me! selfish as this may sound i want you to look at me! look down, look up, look something, take my hand into your, and tell me you'll take me there. tell me if i lose my way, you'll holla, tell me if i'm doing the right thing. tell me something you dumb fuck, tell me something...

and it all said and done, i pick up the photo of my princess, and i realize, oh God you've said so much, you've said so much, so beautiful, so many sunshines, so many rainbows, i wish i could hug you, kiss your cheek and thank you, for the beautiful words you've spoken to me, with you greatest creation, love...

have the tides turned?

last year, at the Hungaroring, Schumacher and Barrichello took a first and second on the podium and they lapped everyone all the way up to 5th place. today Kimi Raikonnen was like a silver arrow we saw in 98, driven by the 'Flying Finn' but he only lapped everyone up till 8th place. cool but obviously Ferrari can do better, (sorry couldn't help it) i had, i just had to considering how bad the Scarlet Moranello team is doing this season. i thought this race they'd be back but even then at the closing stages Schumacher was just losing time, he was lapping 4 seconds slower than the leader, Raikonnen. lets hope they do better after the mid-season break.

oh oh, last night we stayed up all night and talkde ghost stories, damn, nothing scared me, again. so everyone decided to play Spirit Of The Coin tonight. lets see if i get spooked...

Cpt. Jack Sparrow.

now...if i wasn't straight, i'd drop my pants for him...



i'm watching 'Pirates Of The Caribbean' while i'm writing this, the guy is simply brilliant. but my favorite of all time will always be his performance in 'Blow'. although i have to say his role in 'Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas' was also exceptionally hilarious. then again, every role of his was exceptional...yeah yeah, including 'Edward Scissorhand'.

and so we're there, again...

this exact date, last year i was still face flat on my pillow with my saliva drooling on one side and my mind drooling on the other, asleep with my eyes wide shut, 'My Immortal' playing on the stereo, my dad asking me if i've done all my banking and visa work done, my mom asking me to eat something, Ricardo asking me to come out of the house and my brains tyring so hard to tell my heart to stop...

and guess what, i'm going back there. i'm actually packing my bags, all excited to go back to that place, yes, that place!! oh God, give me strength, oh God, give me the patience to live it out. hey Big Guy, i just have one thing to ask You, no more surprises please, for fuck sakes Dude i've seriouly had enough and stop giving Yourself a bad name, i've been praising You too much.

i called my parents, they went to see Ricardo earlier but he had left to the burial grounds. thanks guys for showing up for me. i feel completely shitty being so far away from him. i really wanted to be there for him. dude, stop thanking me man, i've seriously done nothing you wouldn't have done for me, just wish i could do more for you and your family.

i wanted to go shopping today but got a little delayed so decided to change my plans. this morning my boxes for shipping my stuff arrived, all i gotta do now and pack and call them, ship it off and i'm all set to board the plane. you know after recieving the boxes, i sat down and watched Formula One, and it was fucking worth it. to hear the commentators after such a long time thru the season screaming out the name M-I-C-H-A-E-L S-C-H-U-M-A-C-H-E-R, and he did pull the Ferrari magic rabbit out of the hat again by taking his first pole of the season, his career 64th (one short of the all time record, set by none other than the great Ayrton Senna). oh man just watching that qualifying lap, and the fact that Ric's dad just past away, i realized how much i missed my dad, moisting up my eyes, i miss him, i miss them all, my mom, my brother poking at me and....

and all this for how long more, how long more? too much words said between me and time, to much time between me and her. too much wind between me and the streets.

later...

split my head open....eat my brains out with a spoon

that is how my head hurts. ever since graduation i've been having on and off headaches. i guess i'm thinking too much about the future (most probably the past). if ever once there was a time, when i've been so lost as to what to do this would be it. i'm suppose to be excited, and non-stop packing instead i'm like a sub-dued donkey on viagra.

Ricardo's dads funeral is tomorrow. the guys went there today, Ricardo sents his gratitude to all you guys who came, thanks guys. i wish i was there too but i guess its another important funeral i've missed, the first being my grandmothers and now Ric's dad. so please You up there, enough is enough. i've had it up to here with You and Your nonsense!

my causin is coming down again tonight, she seems to be loving Leeds. we loved London and she loved this slump, how weird. i'll be leaving shortly to go get her at the coach station. maybe tomorrow me and her can go shopping around Leeds.

later...

left standing 13,000 miles away

i got up this afternoon to some very sad news. Ricardo's dad past away, he called and told me. being sleepy and hearing such news i had no idea how to react or what to say to him. i had a good walk in the rain, trying to figure out what to do or say. only to realize, there is nothing i can say or do to make him feel any better.

Ricardo,

i mourn your lost my friend. you are and will always be the unborn younger brother of mine. your lost, is mine too. your father, god rest his soul, has a place waiting for him in heaven. my deepest condolences to you and your family. if there is anything at all me or my family can do, do not hesitate one for second. god bless you and your family man.

i can only shed a tear, from a distance, i'm sorry....

waterfall running thru my village

now that i'm done with what i set out to do almost a year ago, i get the feeling i'm back where i started. then again i only left home because everything back home only reminded me of the woman i love and that wasn't helping me very much. now i am going back home to the same thing again. can't help wondering that i'll be back in the same heavenly hell. being away from home so long, i've learn to appreciate the little things i left back home, the simple things that i took for granted. now the all seem huge and far too precious to let go.

i watched 'The Fantastic Four' last night, reason why i love movies is cause i love to connect with the movie. the line from the movie when Sue stops Ben as he walks away from a fight with Jonny, he then says;

'Look at me!! You have no idea what i'd give to be invisible...!'

when i go back, there is the thought in my head, you have no idea how i'd wish everything was invisible to me, or i'll be invisible to everything. i wish everything will be different but i know it wont. things will never be different, everything will be the same, feelings will never change. if there's ever once i wanted to go home so badly, its now, if there's ever once i know everything is gonna hurt so badly, i know its now too. i'm not too good at hidding my feelings, i wear my emotions on my sleeves but England has thought me to camouflage very well. i've never learnt to hide my feelings very well. i was always thought to express them. when i'm angry i rage out, when i'm sad i cry, when i'm happy i forget how that feels....

i'm not feeling well right now, i've got a bad headache and i'm burning up. out of the blue i can't helping feeling all the fears i had of returning, all the sins that haunted me are back and i have no where else to run but straigt back into her walls? i'm already roadkill at the steps of those walls, why can't i just get a fair funeral? people, start writing my eulogies, remember to add the words 'crazy mother fuckers' and 'bona fide jack ass'.

oh for gods sakes....

why do i still love her like the way i do, and why are all these feelings pouring in like Niagara Falls, why do i still have to go thru all this again and again and again. i feel like i am DeadMan Walking again.....

tired tired of blogging.....

god i still have another 2 sets of pictures to post up, still sitting in my drafts. tomorrow la, not tonight. i need a to get myself a nice chilled guinness.

hey who's on for a party on the night i fly down? Ricardo, you organize, Shenn you help him and don't forget to buy me a cake from Marmalade and greet me at the gates with a huge smile.

Stonehenge

a 5000 year old civil engineering monument, or just a bunch of hillbillies with nothing better to do. being there was suppose to be something spectacular, watching the worlds oldest mysteries, the worlds oldest engineering breakthrough. but it wasn't, somehow i have to say it wasn't really that fascinating. i just told myself it was something i had to see before i leave this god forsaken coutry. somebody pls tell me it is, ya.....











okay...pack it in cowboy, this ain't my Alabama.

London Under Threat

i was there. okay okay not for the 07/07 but i was there last thursday when they had the second attack. phew it was frantic. not scary scary but everything was chaotic, fire engine's blasting away on one way and police cruisers streaking down the streets on the other...









this dude was filming me, i hope he doesn't think i'm an suspect?!


one station away from the bombing...










i was there, i've seen it all.....

Southern Indian life in London....

i love Dosa's or Thosai's, which ever way you wanna call it, but i just love them. roast them, butter them, soak them in curry and chutney which ever way you want you just bring it over and i can eat an easy dozen. now imagine being in this God forsaken bloody land of the English, imagine my cravings for my moms nice round, soft, thick ever so flunky dosa's...

becareful what you wish for....Chennai Dosa

















drool you worthless ones...

updates updates...

i just updated my blog, with the Bradford Mela pictures, go check it out...

Bradford Festival 2005 - Mela

sorry guys it took so damn long and don't ask me why it took so long. too many beautiful pictures to choose from.

is it too early to start singing?

you know ever since last thursday, there a lot of things running thru my head. theres always that huge thing thats always on my mind, then there are those few small ones like; theres the i'm 25 fucking years already, i need to get myself a job thought. theres the i need to pay up my credit card bills thought. theres the shopping for the people i know (and Shenn the ties are not that nice in person) thought. theres the part of packing all my stuff here and saying all my goodbyes thought. theres the thought of if i've really made friends here or just people who were with me for the ride thought.

job and bills, i'm not so worried about this one. why i have no fucking idea. i should be very worried with this one. especially since i kinda stretched my credit card to limits. my dad is not gonna be very happy when he sees the bill at the end of the month. my mom on the other hand will be happy to see the things i've bought, heahehahe....

i really have no idea what the fuck to buy the people at home (no no, its okay guys. i know there the bunch of shameless people who is gonna put a list of gifts they want on the comments). i did buy some really cool stuff when i went to York yesterday. btw York is the most historical place in England. castles and huge church, wait, what to do call a huge church?

i hate packing, enough said. i miss my mommy.......

the people i've spent my last 11months here, are they my friends or are they just here for the ride? i dunno. time will tell. are they important in my life? yes they are. some of them thought me something, some of them were just there to give me a smile. some of them slapped me across the face and called me a liar. some of them told me the truth about me, myself and i. am i making sense here? i guess i just have seperation anxiety?

mom, dad, if you're reading this, get ready for a big hug and a huge sloppy kiss, i love you guys.........errrrrm (should i write this??????)

tick tock tick tock....

should i or should i not, oh what the fuck...when have i stopped to think if i should or shouldn't say something.....

errrmmmm...

i love you too.....princess

Happy Birthday Bloggie....

one whole fucking year, wow. i've seen tears and laughs thru you. a lot of discoveries, yes yes, too many realizations. one whole fucking year....

2005 Leeds Metropolitan University, School Of Technology Graduation

we've done it. its all over.....

ofcourse we had to pose a little with our families. i wish mine was there but all everybody made me feel everyone was there. okay okay, i'll be honest, its nothing like having your mom and dad there, miss you guys soooooooo much.

Hellboy, T.J., me and Mephisto....

those two idiots in the middle are my lecturers

don't i just look so damn goooooooooooooooooooooooooood......

my cousin came down, she's the one next to me

the BEng (HONS) Manufacturing Engineering group, except for Mohan, sesat case....

me and Mohan, the dude is such a poser. (but i have to admit, he has been one of my closest friend during this past one year)

hey guys, i've graduated, what do i do now?

chance favours the brave

i'm done....

finally....

in 6hours time, i'll be a graduate, i dunno what to say....

H.E.A.T.

so farking warm, can't sleep, need to sleep, want to sleep, pls god help me sleep, did i mention i love to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

birthdays....

so many people's birthday on this month, i noticed i realized i know a lot of people born in July and April. this month, how many are there, 4 i can remember.

well here goes, July 7th, My uncle Ambi's birthday, July 10th my causin Esvari, July 13th my aunty 'chitti' and July 14th my uncle Vijay. happy birthday to all of you guys. hope you all have a great birthday and all the happiness. i think there is more birthdays coming right, if my memory serves me right, or wrong....

if i'm forgeting somebody, plsssssss, forgive me.

Love Is In The Air.

i have been known as the devil, they say i doctor all my pictures, they say i bluff my ass out when i write my comment. they say all i do is to destroy their image. so this time i'm just gonna let my camera speak for itself. but i dedicate this post to love. love is definitely beautiful, especially when you have just found it....






sue me....................................

the preperations...

we know graduation is near and we all know that we wanna look good for it, so....

this is Mohan'a hair before, yes its Mohan and no we didn't hire a Black Afro dude to pose for the shot! (and why is he so interested in watching that show?!)

this is his hair after straightening it, yes i agree he looks whimpy...(he loves to pose, such a poser)

then the guys went shopping, getting their suits, shoes, ties....

oh yeah, even Mahesh straightened his hair

oh God! even Sachi was forced by Subha to straighten his hair. Sachi is our guest of honor.

so with all this done, i have to ask, does it make us look any better or make us get a better grade, no but yet we do it, why? cause it happens once in our lives. like the MC said, even marriage we have to share the spotlight with someone else!

tick tock...30 and all

times a wasted, gotta get packin'

before i start to say anything, i just wanna say hello to my good old buddy Karma. fuck you Karma, as much as we hate each other, you just keep showing up at my doorstep. so fuck you, fuck me...oh we're both fucked, considering how i consider you MY friend!

which brings me to how i hate shaving, I FUCKING HATE IT. oh, did i mention i had to be born Indian, the hairy brothers of us mankind. oh, then there's the 5 o'clock shadow of mine, which kinda looks like a week of without shaving for some people. oh yeah, fuck you again Karma.

i'm going shopping again and no you're not invited you dumb fuck, Karma but i'm pretty sure you're gonna come with anyways. you idiot, can't you get a hint, leave me alone, for just one fucking second.

by the way, do you think i should go with the dark colors or light colors, need to pick out a shirt and tie for graduation (i'm thinking dark)....

p.s; fuck you Karma and i love Dennis Farina...

ding dong bell, pussy in the well...

KAPOOOOW..!!!

thats the last thing i remember after stepping out of the bath tub. i fell in the tub after taking shower. auch, my head kinda hurts, i blacked out for a few minutes, lucky Sachi was there to help me up. weird how i manage to get up and open the door cause i have no recollection of doing it. you know i was so bloody lucky i fell on the other end of the tub, cause the opposite end was where the taps are! i could have hit my head and split my brains open. I COULD HAVE DIED! you know this is exactly what they call a cruel irony, God is definitely a fucking genius. almost year ago, just weeks before leaving for the UK, i was in an almost a tragic car crash (my car was so banged up, my parents sold it off), i spent 3 days in the hospital. you know when i got out of the car, i hwas so shaken up, i sat down on the curb for a few seconds, then i got up and said something like this;

'Why can't you do things right, if you're gonna kill me, do it right. if you want me, you gotta come get me yourself, your angels of death aren't exactly doing a bang up job here!!! hey God, listen to me, pls, for fucks sakes, FUCKING TAKE ME!!!'

but today, after realizing i could have died (i mean, if my head went driving into the taps) just a few weeks before leaving for home (again, a journey thats been far too long coming), a place i've been dying to go to in all my life, i turn around and say;

'hey you up there, i owe you one, cheers buddy. you're a real fucking genius man. though i took so long to see it but you've finally showed me, my life is important. hell yeah, you've pained me so bloody much but i get it, life's full of shit but its also full of beautiful colors. sometimes you just got push the shit aside a look at all the pretty colors. fill MY pockets with some rainbows too...'

hey 'Big Guy', stop writting love stories on the sea shores, i coming home....

Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs

i just remembered one of my favorite cartoons, don't question me. it was cool, as i was browsing, i found even this, 'Starcom - The U.S. Space Force'. i still have all the action figures or toys as we call it.

the icing on the cake (with or without cherry)

you know whats the best thing about having friends, its all about sharing. i mean, its easier to share a lot of things to strangers but theres never that satisfaction of a burden release when you tell your problems to an anonymous, or your computer screen. but looking your friend in the eye, listening to one another, sharing your thoughts and opinions, its simply beautiful.

the question sometimes arises, can you talk about the things you share with your confidant, with the woman you love, or the man you love. i mean it should be that way. you should be able to say anything to the ones you love, right? there shouldn't be any secrets between you guys, i dunno but i've always felt the more honest you are in a relationship, the deeper it can go. but thats not often the case now is it?

i remember a line from a movie, 'i found my lover in my best friend' but i like it 'i found my best friend in my lover'. errmm, no Ric, i'm not asking you out or anything. oh what the fuck, you are my bitch anyways.....

(oh screw the damn title....)

last night on my way to my friends house, i saw a bunch of teens playing ball by the street. no big deal there, i mean, even i've done that. here is the catch; this is one of the most busiest streets around my area and IT'S FUCKING DOWNHILL! the cars coming down aren't gonna have enough time to stop, the damn momentum is just gonna drive them forward. okay okay, here is the best part. knowing this, i repeat, knowing this, these teens are playing. i over heard one of them saying something about how it'd be like if one of the cars couldn't stop in time when they run out to pick the ball. you know what was the reply one of them gave, 'oh fuuuck off, just pass it here..'

so while i was waiting there, the only thing running thru my mind was, pls pls pls, let it be a First double decker bus!!! yes, you read it correctly. these piece of street scum don't appreciate their lives, then get their brains splattered over the windshields of an innocent driver, guess what happens, the driver gets himself into a lawsuit, loses his driving privileges and more shit follows. so i say, ram 'em down. though the black kid had some pretty impressive foot work, it would be sad to see such good talent go splat...!

now just as my 'Grim' mood was phasing out of my brains, walk by these two 15year olds, followed by a 6 year old (i'm just guessing their ages by their looks). now the 6 years old yells out, 'where are we going?'. so naturally one of the older ones said, 'Tescos, you little twerp, now shut up and hurry up!'. the cute little 6 year old (trust me she was adorable, dressed up in all pink, dragging her little ButterCup doll behind) then asked, 'why are we going to Tescos?'. now this part, was the wake up call for the devil in me. thank god, i really wasn't Grim or some super villain (Professor Chaos sounds nice, heahehahe...). the older sister, if she is even her older sister turns around and says, 'to buy smokes, what else. now will you just shut the fuck up, and come on!'. the look on that cute little 6 year old, she was like mumbling something and just following her two good for nothing 'sisters'. why wouldn't a child get spoiled in this country if thats the kinda care they get at this tender age.

for a few seconds there, i looked up and said, you know i kinda see the logic in bombing them down. i don't mind if you kinda accidentally bomb me as well, just wait until Michael Schumacher retires, deal?

oh you think the story is over, its far from over......

so the bus finally comes after 45minutes of waiting (yes, 45 fucking minutes). so i get on the bus, and since i didn't have change, i put out a 10pound note and say, 'HareHills please'. the driver eye balls me, and says, 'yeah and where do you wanna get off in Harehills?'. not that it is any of his mother fucking business but i told him and he has the nerve to ask me that doesn't cost a 10ner. you stupid dumb shit of human scum, all you had to say was that i have no change of something like that. instead the wise ass had to use sarcasm. i bet you that monkey, never even finished high school, beats on his wife, has a bunch of doped up kids and his only achievements was downing a pint last weekend at the local pub.

i guess that was all i could take of this fucked up place, i burst at the driver. i told him if you don't even have change for a damn 10pounds, you might as well go park your damn bus next to your favourite pub, drink yourself silly, then drive off the M62. that wanker had the guts to put his hands on his waist and eye ball me again. i couldn't be bothered, though he'd probably tower over me if he gets up, i just told him to give me a day rider and hand over the change. surprisingly he did. on my way to the back of the bus, one black woman looked at me and smiled. i guess i must have did something she wanted to do in a long time.

you see now, why i hate this country!

btw, i'm going shopping later. not very manly to say but hey, everybody loves a little shopping, right. i dunno if i can find myself a nice shirt and tie. this is where i really miss my mom. up till the time i came here, i have never been shopping without her. the first time ever i went shopping without her was when i went to do some last minute shopping, remember that Ric. do you still have the vase i bought. you keep that thing as precious as you can, i mean it! i still miss her, very much.

later...

London went kabooom...

don't worry guys, i'm fine. safe and sound in Leeds, far far away from London. mails have been pouring in my inbox, my phone has been ringing non-stop. relax guys, don't worry. things like these are bound to happen everywhere, since we live in a world that is a potential danger to ourselves.

"you bomb me, i bomb you. and a bomb bomb there and a bomb bomb here, bomb bomb bomb everywhere bomb..."