waterfall running thru my village

now that i'm done with what i set out to do almost a year ago, i get the feeling i'm back where i started. then again i only left home because everything back home only reminded me of the woman i love and that wasn't helping me very much. now i am going back home to the same thing again. can't help wondering that i'll be back in the same heavenly hell. being away from home so long, i've learn to appreciate the little things i left back home, the simple things that i took for granted. now the all seem huge and far too precious to let go.

i watched 'The Fantastic Four' last night, reason why i love movies is cause i love to connect with the movie. the line from the movie when Sue stops Ben as he walks away from a fight with Jonny, he then says;

'Look at me!! You have no idea what i'd give to be invisible...!'

when i go back, there is the thought in my head, you have no idea how i'd wish everything was invisible to me, or i'll be invisible to everything. i wish everything will be different but i know it wont. things will never be different, everything will be the same, feelings will never change. if there's ever once i wanted to go home so badly, its now, if there's ever once i know everything is gonna hurt so badly, i know its now too. i'm not too good at hidding my feelings, i wear my emotions on my sleeves but England has thought me to camouflage very well. i've never learnt to hide my feelings very well. i was always thought to express them. when i'm angry i rage out, when i'm sad i cry, when i'm happy i forget how that feels....

i'm not feeling well right now, i've got a bad headache and i'm burning up. out of the blue i can't helping feeling all the fears i had of returning, all the sins that haunted me are back and i have no where else to run but straigt back into her walls? i'm already roadkill at the steps of those walls, why can't i just get a fair funeral? people, start writing my eulogies, remember to add the words 'crazy mother fuckers' and 'bona fide jack ass'.

oh for gods sakes....

why do i still love her like the way i do, and why are all these feelings pouring in like Niagara Falls, why do i still have to go thru all this again and again and again. i feel like i am DeadMan Walking again.....