july 12, 2005

i got my project binded today, hard copy. man it cost me 30pounds for two copies. thats like fucking RM210, phew...does it cost that much to actually book bind something back home?

oh well i'm just glad i'm done with that. now i can pay attention to 2 small assignment and my final year presentation. that wont be hard. oh yeah by the way, my graduation is scheduled on the 12th of july.

see ya

p.s. i really miss MALAYSIA

yugom....

someone once told me fear is a great tool, i think it was wai keong. what do we fear? it really becomes pointless the day you fear yourself but then again it means you've reached a place too deep in you, which some of us long to be there.

i have long feared my sins will return to haunt me....

how does one judge himself. i'm pretty sure everytime you try and judge yourself you either come up with extremely positive judgment or vice-versa, does anyone every say, i'm an average human. they either say they are COMPLETELY evil or a saint. evil only works when there is good, and good is useless when there is no evil around. so when i judge myself and ask the questions once again...am i or am i not? can you answer that?

going back in september...

wow! finally decided. cool huh, not so i think. i'm gonna have to work, i'm gonna have to face the world and actually say to it, 'this time i'm ready, bring it on!'... reaching 25, some people we know are getting married, some are dying off, some like me are just getting started. is it still early? are we still young? do i still have a few more gears in me? have i reached my maximum revs before a gear shift?

i once asked myseld a long long long time ago? do i believe in god? and the answer was yes. suprise suprise, even i didn't know that! hey does it suprise you when you realise that you've been on the open and recieving far too long that you've forgot to give? do you stop ask yourself am i selfish? am i just here for a ride, 'hey god, can we have a tciket to sainsbury?' or are we the driver? and god's asking us 'take me somewhere, i don't care, just take me somewhere, somewhere beautiful, somewhere only you know the spots, take me there, and make it quick, i haven't got all day jack!'

'the man is an empty soul, he can only engrave a few things to himself, the rest are stick on's...' -Navein

when i'm done here, i wanna go back and give my mom a hug, then i'm gonna turn around and give my dad a hug, and then i'm gonna give my brother a hug....and then i'm gonna hug everyone i know. one by one. cause honestly today i stand here, if not completely successful, i know i have them, who made me who i am today.

i love you princess....

it's a long road.

it's along road back home, isn't it? i wish i could go back right now. there isn't a thing i want more than to be home right now. my grandmother past away a couple of hours ago. she's my paternal grandmother, i didn't know her that well, but everytime she saw me, she'd always hug me cause i look like my dad. i only saw her maybe once every two years or something. i dunno if i'm feeling for my dad more than for her. i know what it means to miss your mother, i miss my mom so much right now.

so much things have happened, i mean i've talked to my princess lately, twice...

something so meaningful happened to me a couple of weeks back, when jerad called me to his house for dinner. he cooked crab it was wonderful, since i don't know how to eat by my hand, jerad actually broke the crabs for me....just like my mom or dad would. it meant something, something i can't explain.

last night me and navein were having a conversation about god and today i saw his magnificient work first hand. my parents didn't wanna tell me about my grandmothers death, and yet there was an earthquake back home in sumatera and i called home to find out how people are? turns out they were all in my dad's hometown at the funeral. one way or another he made call back...i can't explain this but don't worry i'm not gonna say god made an earthquake just for me...

i wish i could talk to ric or my mom right now....

i'm in a state of twilight zone. lucky i've finished my thesis.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....

today was the first day in a long time, i just slept in the house the whole day. got up around 10 in the morning drank some water, checked my mail and went back to sleep. only got up around 4. wanted to go out to have lunch with sara, but jay came over and asked me to eat stuff he bought. so i did but i did go meet sara in town.

later i'll be going to jay's house again, i think he has a party tonight. time to party, party, party, party........

later...

p.s. ric, what is xdaIIi ah? some new noodles ah?

fiesta....

guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.....shady's back

heahehae.....!!!!

i'm must be the happiest person out here in leeds. anyways i've finished my final year report. my thesis on material investigations, completo...i'm a free man, also can be counted as a graduated man...nah, not yet la.

anyways, so much has happened too...i'll slowly update you guys. right now i'm actually bored of looksing at the computer screens. i need, no actually i so badly wanna come home already, heahehae....

till pesta oktober.

final year project

so damn busy with this, i haven't had the time nor the mental capacity to be blogging. thats fucked up aint it? i wish i had some super fast typist right next to me, life is wonderful....eeeaaaa!!! wrong answer.

i'll be back!

after the 4th of april, till then, VVVVVery BBBBusy.

Strange And Beautiful

by Aqualung

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...

yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
yeah...

the 5th floor room attendant

so today, after 2 days of intensive training, i've finally started to turn down rooms by myself. i did 8 rooms today, and i think i left my back in one of those rooms, get my drift. it's tough, but i guess of i get the hang of it, it shouldn't be that tough. lets see how i survive for awhile.

i then went to pc world with sara and jane, they wanted to survey for a laptop, since i don't know nuts about computers, i have no clue why the took me along, but i haven't been to pc world before so i went. and i fell in love with the new sony VAIO, it is not a laptop but an entertainment center, wow. the screen is so damn clear and..and...i just love, should have just bought my laptop here. sigh, but nvm, my compaq here is not so bad either, to be honest i think i have one the best laptops around. my opinion that is (compaq ppl, if any of you reading...give me commission ah).

tomorrow is jerad's surgery, so the whole day i'll probably be at the hospital and then go pay my house rent. oh oh oh..by the way, i just wanna wish saba all the best, that dude is in full form, if only Man Utd had took him as a player. HE HAS SCORED. his wife is a fourty days expecting healthy mother. heahehaehe, welcome to fatherhood dude.

later...

Park Plaza, Leeds

first day at a nice permenant job, the comforts of a steady pay every forth night, ahhhhh....now there is where you're wrong. fuck, the job is tough la. i only cleaned a few rooms today, maybe 4 and my back almost busted, and my feet was killing me. they told me i can only wear black shoes, fuck!!! and the supervisor judy, is saying that within a few weeks, you master the skills and then they'll give me 12 rooms to do in 6 hours, thats two rooms per hour. and today it took me 40 minutes to do 1!!! oh man, why do i get myself into these kinda jobs. god, you still holding a grudge on me or what? and yes, the toilets are still in my life. 2 good news though. no mops, and the return of my best friend, the Hoover1500. you lose some, you gain some. no pain, no gain. you know i can go on and on with these, what do we call it, 'sayings' or 'cliché'...but when you lose something, only you know, how much pain there is, no one else.

i complain a lot these days, don't i?

oh well, today i found out that gerard's name is spelled jerad. well i took him to the hospital today, since he has his surgery on thursday they wanted him to come in today for an assessment. the nurse who examined thought i sounded american, again. since jerad doesn't speak that good english, i was the translater. weird how people keep thinking i sound american? do i? i thought i sounded like the typical malaysian indian. well anyways (perasan a bit) lets move on. jerad's got a cataract in his eye, their gonna remove his lense and put in a plastic lense. can you imagine they have spare parts for the eye. heahehae, look who's talking, i'm the guy with more eye trouble than all the people i know put together. told the nurse about my eye surgery, and she was suprised, she was impressed i knew a lot about the eye, pupil, cornea and stuff, heahehae.

tomorrow i have to go into work, called the NI people, get a letter from the university and buy coffee for basil. well i got my work all cut out for me. always is, isn't it, shit.

later...

whats new pussycat...

ignore my last post, read it somewhere and i know all my indian readers will get a kick out of it too. sigh....

whatelse is going on in my life. well i quit the school job and the fitness first job. now it's park plaza hotel, room attendant, starting monday. where ever i go, i get mop and the trusty toilet. sucks eh?

well today morning cooked up some really nice mutton briyani and ate like an ant. well other than that, i talked to my mom. and as usual she cried. she wants me back so badly, i really should go home. i mean my stubborness not to go back is really hurting her a lot. i've come to realize one thing, i need my mom more than she needs me. i need my ricardo, i need my....PRINCESS

all things i need is back home, finish my degree, if master it is, finish it and go back home.

see you when you get there...

captain planet

New Vijaykant Movie.Here is a story of Vijaykant's next movie Its named as "Captain Planet".Vijaykant is a scientist in NASA.. (A very big set designed for this by kalaipuli S.Dhaanu).

When He was busy launching a satellite to Pluto, his wife simran is about to deliver a baby and she wanted to meet him. But the launch process badly need a person like our hero, and there is no other option, senior scientist Radha Ravi asked him to stay back till it gets launched. Our well commited hero successfully launched the satellite, comes back in a horse to home, but his wife is dead. Mean time, other scientists in NASA claimed that they have done that job and they didnt recognise Vijaykanth.

He resigns from there and comes back to india with his family leading a peaceful life.... days gone...Oneday, the scientists, to their surprise found that SUN is reaching EARTH slowly and after sometime it may BURN the earth to ashes.. All the scientists are worried how to save the EARTH..Then they realize that only "THE HERO" (Vijaykanth) can do it...They are visiting India,telling him the fact, and Vijaykant joins back there to complete the mission of saving the EARTH...

After a very big research,Vijaykant is inventing an instrument.The instrument will deflect the SUN from its path to EARTH.. All the scientist are very happy and appreciating vijaykanth's invention. So finally Vijaykant is all set to go into the SPACE and save the earth. He and one other person (Chandra sekhar, Who is a prisoner in Vellore, Has been choosen by our hero because none other in US army can do that job) are travelling in an spacecraft towards the SUN. They moved out of earth and in space & Vijaykant is coming out of the spacecraft and standing on the Wings of the spacecraft. He is taking out the instrument and showing it to the SUN.....oh!!!!!!!! The instrument is not working...The terrorists deactivated it!!!

All the scientists are worried at the earth station.....tension mounts up..........SUN is reaching the EARTH slowly.............

Climax - With the SUN floats towards the EARTH,VIJAYKANTH puts one leg on earth, turns back, kicks off the SUN with ultimate force.. and jumps back to the spacecraft....now the SUN is deflecting away from its path to EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! EARTH SAVED...He shows Indian flag in his hand and the spacecraft moves back to earth!

The End..

it has begun...

the rise and fall of great men, the apocalypse of many strong ambitions, goals, missions. it has begun, 19 times a season across the globe, from the coldest places to the hottest, from the wet wet wets, to the dry saharas, from the high tech newbies, to the grand daddy ovals. it is time to rise again, it it time to fly again...soar into a new season of Formula One.

900 horsepower, 300miles top speed, cornering of 3G's with all the latest technology of jetfighter fitted into a single open racer. wow...

why am i facinated with it, dunno, ask the millions out there who stayed up way into the early mornings to watch the Australian GP last night. it's an 11hour difference. and yet we all stayed up to watch it. disappointed to watch the great Michael Schumacher getting bummed out of the race. not exactly a good start to his title defense. qualified in 19place, had an engine change, then was stuck behind sato half the race. and when he decided to put the hammer down, he gets shunt by heidfeld. actually it was an incident schumi caused if you looked at it, he pushed heidfeld into the grass, leaving him no braking zone, sigh...disappointing but not sad, if i know one person so well enough thru years and years of watching him go round and round the circuits, i know Michael Schumacher, so watch out in Malaysia.

now here's the sad part, 6 years since F1 brought the scene to malaysia, this will be the 1st year i wont be there. no huge ferrari flag, no 15metre long banner, no dyed red hair, no ferrari t-shirts and caps, no pit babes. just watching from the tele. well they always say the best view is always infront of the tele. but tell that to those people who have never gone to watch F1 live!!! it's not about the view in F1, it's about the atmosphere, the noise, the crowd, the cheers, the drop gears and the air shows...hmmm, but there is always a sad story behind everything, so does this.

sad story, the story of my life.

make me see again...

gerard has lost complete vision of his left eye, sigh...so sad. the doctor said he has a severe case of cataract. i was there explaining everything to him, poor fellow, he is kinda afraid of losing his eye sight. hope he gets well soon which should be next week. his appointment for the surgery is next week at 9am. i'll be there with him, my parents held my hands thru all my blind entries.

you know i was thinking to myself, while i was mopping the floor and watching idiots trampling over it again and again, have you ever stopped to think how the guy mopping the floor feels when you walked over the floor he had just mopped. i guess not but i had always said sorry whenever i had done that.

back HOME i drove i luxury 2.0 sedan, here i TAKE the bus...
back HOME i went to five star hotel gym, here i WORK in a 3 star gym...
back HOME i dressed to kill, here i dress to CLEAN...
back HOME i ate in fancy restaurants, here i eat at GREGGS...
back HOME i loved LEAVING the country, here i love going back HOME...

so why is it i didn't wanna go back, a raise of hands to show how many want me back? how many think i'm deserting my home, how many think i'm abandoning my beloved mother for a few quids...

weird how i never said i never want to return, just wanted to be here for awhile, i guess wanting to stay away, and then listening to WK talk about the glory of home, and then 'how could you abondon you mom, for all this, after all she has done for you?'...now i'm just a statistic.

make me see again, my trail home, the path i left bread crumb behind.

later...

catch me if you can...

imagine my sanity running away from me, screaming those words. then turns around and shows me the finger. "fuck you debbie!!!", hey sanity don't go all eminem on me, pls. if you wanna do a famouser on me, do a cobain or better still do and elvis, FUCKING DISAPPEAR!!!

i was cooking spicy ginger turkey, turned out mutton curry. i threw out the trash, forgot to shut the door behind me, till late 10pm. forgot to wash yesterdays cook pot. made plans to meet up gerard tomorrow at 10am when my job finishes at 12pm. walked like an idiot all around town today for 10minutes then head home, for nothing was walking in rain. i'm no james dean, but darn i looked cool. just mising a cig and bottle wrapped in a brown bag. wanna stand by the bus stop and shout out, 'fuck you british skanks!' or 'white fucking trash, i'm not paki, I'M FUCKING MALAYSIAN, LEARN YOUR FARKING GEOGRAPHY!!!!'. then again knowing them they'd go...'hurrrh?..burrrrpp'

okay tomorrow i gotta go to work at 5am, them give them slip at 10am, then take gerard to the hospital, the man is losing his vision, something i'm too fimiliar with, 'hey is that a car coming straight at me? OH FUCK IT IS!'...

my lecturers have left the country for this week, so i don't really have class tomorrow but i do have an appointment with my agent at 2pm. speaking of appoinments i finally have a interview for a good permenant job, room attendant at the park plaza hotel. thats on friday, 11am. i made one for my new found friend too, we'l call him macha, shall we. hope we get the job. wish me luck and drink your soup, it'll do you good. try adding some jim beam to it or southern comfort...whooo ahh.

kill my lungs, take my liver, give me back the strength to take a drink, pass the teeth, flow on the tongue, down the throat, straight into my heaven...a tall glass of black poison on the rocks, shining gold as the light crisoms on the crystal chilled glass. lime after taste lurking on the back of your teeth. whoooo ahh, coffee, not today kid. too big a leap for one day.......

hey where's the bus? bring it on, ricardo!!!

later.

scent of a woman....

glamorous....

one word says it all for me, stunning with panache, wonderful, undoubtedly attractive, captivating. whoo ahh...

well some man can only dream like me. speaking of which for the past couple of weeks i've been having the same dream. a repeating dream, every night. i get off the bus infront of this place in town. right infront of jessops and jjb sport, wait till the bus moves away, cross the street...BOOM! i get hit by another bus, a double decked first leeds bus. day by day, something new gets revealed, day by day something new i see, something new i discover. wish somethimes it was real, unfortunately not. two nights back it got scary. the feeling it really might happen the next day. so real it scared my piss out but nope, still didn't happen, thanks the heavens, or should i? i saw two things this past week, one the bus plates, it was WJK 3817, bloody KL plates in leeds, UK. second the bus driver Mr. Ricardo Ang, driving while talking on the hanphone. do i really need two scorpios running me down? wonder who he was talking to? wander why he's driving the bus instead of....

well anyways since i'm still alive and not liking it, might as well do the one thing i love doing. watching al pacino at his best, yes sir, i watched it again. this time with an audience, at mohan's place. i hope they enjoyed the movie as much as i did, whoooo ahhh. as he smiles at the teacher and walks away, describing her to charlie, al pacino gives this smile, honestly i've never seen a more good looking aged man. ever wonder how you'd look when you turn 50? imagine me with grey hair and wrinkles. sexxxxyyy....

aaarrrgghh, still losing my mind but what the hell. it's 2am, i have to get to work at 5am, darn it. shit ain't it, yeah well welcome to my life, up close and smelly.

smell me later...

March on...

so it's march already, just another month to april huh? where everything i set out to accomplish here will be over. everything i wanted a few years back, i'll have. but at what cost? at what satisfaction? i don't have any yet...personal devourerness, has gone. i don't seem to want anything, don't seem to have fire anymore. but no fuel no fire, no fire no burn, no burn no success, no success no victory. and victory is what we all set out to obtain. some do it in the most bloodiest manner, and some plain simple math, 1+1=3.

'give me fuel, give me fire, give that which i desire....'

i miss lying on my moms lap, as she plays with my hair and tell me, one day you'll be somebody, and you'll come home to me and still and always be here to feed you...i miss home, but i still lack the courage to go home. i still endure pain at the sight of that return flight ticket.

later...

~DeadMan Fear Of Return~