i don't know where to start...i don't know much these days, although i've been the clearest i've been in a very long time. a lot has happened in my life, not all of them a very happy moments, especially this year. this year just blew the roof of with my string of bad luck. i fractured my hand, i lost all my shoes, i almost lost my best friend, i was in so many back to back accidents, even one near death experience, but most of all i lost the woman i love with all my heart and soul. i really can sit here and say that i've seen everything, and yet i haven't seen nothing yet. the world is full of wonders. loosing my princess was the hardest thing in the world to me, so many nights i've just sat in my room with a knife, contemplating to slit my wrist. i tried to off myself with pill and alcohol. but today i'm still alive. what if i would have slit my wrist? what if i had died from an OD? what if i had died from all those car crashes? what if? i wanted to watch "cast away" couple of weeks ago, reason being is because the last part of the movie tom hanks says something very inspiring, he lost everything and he went on breathing, holding on to just one thing, the thought of seeing his wife again, then one day the tide brought him a sail. and he gave up everything, put his life on the line to sail back to civilisation but just to discover that his wife had remarried after waiting for him for 4 years. and he says after loosing her the first time and trying to live on for her, he'd lost her all over again. the one thing he learnt was that we have to just keep on breathing, cause we never know what the tide will bring tomorrow. ever since my losses, i've been searching for something to relite my soul. i tried getting a tatto of my princess name on my arm. at the beginning i wanted the tattoo to ensure me of our love, that it was true, it wasn't a lie. then it became a reminder of her, it became something for me to hold on to her. but today it's something for me look at and say, i've been in love, and the feeling is beyond this world, and in my heart i know it was the purest feeling i've ever felt and i'm lucky to have felt it. and i thank her for making me feel that way, it makes that feeling in my heart grow everytime i realise how much i was capable of loving her, how much of my heart and soul i gave for her. and there are no remorses. period. i love her. today i was listening to a song, a tamil song. and it made me realise that the one thing that i've done to reallign my soul is by going to the temple. everytime i was there i was like in limbo. nothing mattered anymore for that short period of time. it was amazing. and the song was about a man screaming at god, screaming at god to give him power. power to overcome hate, power to overcome poverty, power to overcome cruelty, power to stand again, power to face his fears, power to love. and it made me realise i have that power, in my hands now. i just realise i'm leaving to UK, to see more of myself, to reearn that respect i had for myself. to show myself that i'm not a loser. as for my princess goes, i've come to terms that i love her, and that i'll love her till the end of time, and even after that echos of my love will be heard. but she doesn't want me anymore, but i know i'll be given a second chance one day...one day. in my head i have a picture of her, all smiles, big brown eyes twinkling, rosy cheeks glowing, and she looks without a doubt, no questions asked, most definitely very beautiful. and this moment is forever. and my heart is at peace with that. my mother has always told me that love never dies, it just slows down sometimes. love you mom for being there for me, and ricardo, my best friend, my brother in arms. without these two people i don't know how would i have been still standing. next week on the 6 september i'll be leaving. and i wont see them for almost a year. i'll miss them. but ricardo told me that when i come back maybe, things will be different, i'll have a second chance at the woman i love. because she is the love of my life. and there is nothing in this world or beyond it that can change this. wish me luck, when i there and when i come back... cause we never know, what the tide will bring in tomorrow
