without me i break...

i got up today with a really bad realization, one that i have dreaded all these days, all the while being a hermit for such a long time, i got up to the same realization i had about a year and half ago, i want her back, i still love her so damn bloody much, as fucked up as it sounds and as painful as each day living in memory is, i got up at 6 with the picture of just wanting her back, no matter the cost.

"oh God, i still love her, help me you cynical bastard, you sadistic obsessed mother fucker, you do something, help me, make me stop leving her, or help me have back the one i love so much. don't you dare smurk or i'll bitch slap you straight back to pillars of heaven...!"

sigh...what do i do. i need to get my life straightened out, i need to organize, devide and conquer. get a job and a hair cut, cut down on the swearing, wear pants for a change and maybe, just maybe, someday learn to be quiet.

Ric just called me out for dinner, you know sometime i wanna strangle the guy, asking me to drive all the way to 1U, its so fucking far away though ii can get there in like 15minutes thru the MRR2, but its still so fucking far away. hey chinese next time you drive nearer please, or change your snooker practive venue. the last time i was there in 1U i went window shopping, or should i say, speed walking with Shenn and Eleanor. oh yeah and i found a place in 1U that discriminates women who are little bigger than others. how dare they actually seperate they clothing lines from the others, they actually had seperate section called 'Women+'. those idiot have no respect for women and the way they feel don't they. i know some women are comfortable with the way they are, but that doesn't mean its right to go and label them. Women, thin, tall, short, plump, green, blue or whatever feature they come in are the goddesses of this earth, no one has the right to judge them. i sound like a over weight women myself, but i watched an episode of Oprah once, that changed the way i looked at women forever. do you know that almost 80% of women who are over weight are usually abuse victims or some sort of tragic childhood, and half of that is cause by MEN. and we men can never understand the things women have to go thru in their childhood or even as adults, the abuse and discriminations they have to face day in day out. the eyes of men who strip them naked every hour of their life's. and what do they get in return, a section for them labelled 'Women+'. okay i need to calm down now...

i think the Celcom people pissed me off first today, asking my dad to call in instead just to change the package. i know all the details that they need and besides i am his son, what the fuck, have i lost even the right to my fathers accounts. i know they have procedures, but WTF does it serve if its just for security purposes and i can by pass it just by pretending to be my dad, since i have all the details. real major dumb fucks, i kept telling the customer care guy to transfer me to his supervisor, or somebody who can make a decision and he kept telling me 'its procedure', real stupid SOB, really pissed me off only. you know Malaysia i came home telling myself home is always better, pls for fuck sakes don't make me regret my decision, so far if it wasn't for the fact i get to see my parents at the end of the day, i've already started to regret coming home, majorly.

this really turning into a fucked up day, all by just sitting at home, i think i might just cancel on Ricardo, considering how probably just might jump at everybody for nothing. even worst, the guys who i helped to move into my space in UK wanna desperately meet up, i have no idea WHAT THE FUCK FOR?! then again i can understand their anxiety leaving to a foreign country depending on nothing but my word. just think of it this way guys, if a spoilt, good for nothing, never lifted a finger for anything, dumb fuck, totally dependable but ingrate like myself went there and didn't disintegrate, you guys are gonna do well there, even be better off without my advice.

so with or without me, i'm just on a destructive path, AGAIN...

"oh God, i call on you today, again. help me contain myself. for fuck sakes help yourself and shut me up, do the world a favor and just wipe me off a clean memory, flatlining me was never your forte, you sucked at it. so you just decided to drain me of yourself. oh no, i refuse to let you go either. if i am going down (or up), you're coming with me. if i burn, i'm gonna make sure its over your ashes first. if i'm destined to fly without wings, i'm gonna make sure i get a lift by stepping on your shoulder. so both ways, it'll be you first then me. you're stuck with me, like it or not..."