memory sucks....

there is a saying in Tamil, that goes something like this; the pain of memories are much worst than the pain of death. i went driving around town today and i realized how much i missed this place and at the same time how much i dread all the memories that still remains. i wish somehow i could turn back time, but unfortunately as powerful as i am, my magic wand cannot raise such enormities. after coming home, i open all my mail and out come my AAM card, all renewed and ready for use for another year, sad thing is when i registered for it, i registered it for her too, as my spouse. so her card came too. as weird as it sounds, it was painful to see all of it again. but as i have come to learn, thats life, filled with pain and shit...

as days go by, as i procrastinate unpacking my bags, i must in some way enjoy the filth that is my room. i always one of those clean freaks, everything had to be spotless and where i last left it. but if it doesn't go that way i always tend to just let everything go, so all my stuff ends up in a clutter of my own confusion. its nice to see all my clothes outside of my cupboard, its not so nice considering i wasn't the one who was doing all the wearing. including a few T-shirts i can't even bare to look at. sometimes memory is too damn painful. all this just keeps reminding me why i left in the first place, and its bringing out the worst in me, the worst being a question; why did i return?

in some strange way, i hate this place. i hate myself for returning, i knew i was gonna go thru this shit all over again, i knew from the day i left i had to come back to this hell hole. but somehow its not that bad this time around, considering how much i miss it. so theres the eternal question answered, i am a pain junkie, and will always be one.

so here's me raising my glass to the all the pain junkie's around, holla if you feel me.

later...